Guilt

Guilt is something I always deal with. It can be over anything. But I obsess , and then beat myself up about every situation. 

Right now I feel guilty about the amount of time I’m spending away from my family. Last week between school / running / and study I spent about 60 hours engaged in solo activities:/ I am happy with school and I am happy with running , but I still make sure I’m spending time with hubby and the kids and I think I’m doing a good job. 

Right now I am feeling guilty because I think hubby was a little resentful last night. He wanted to do for a ride at 8:30 pm. The kids were already in bed but still awake and the littlest is 7. I didn’t want to get one of the bigger ones up to watch the little guy so we could go for a ride because they get up at 5:30 am and I was personally really just tired too :/ I had already gone for two rides with him, and a walk, and to the gym and watched three episodes of our current favorite show. I felt like we had had an enjoyable day together. I worry that he is going to resent me if I don’t do all the things I am capable of doing with him , because he is picking up a lot of the slack at home and being so supportive. 

I feel like he was also a little resentful about sex. We had been flirting and hinting all day and then we just ran out of time. The problem is we share a divided room with our littlest. So, to have a locking door, we have to kick him out of his room. During the day we just say we want some privacy so we can take a bath and it’s not a problem, but I can’t kick him out of his room at bedtime on a school night. The plan was to watch one episode of our favorite show and then have a bath, but he was really into the show and put on three hours of it and then it was bedtime. 

Maybe I’m just justifying and I should try to be more empathetic and realize all of the sacrifices everyone is making so I can do this program. I’m really trying though. I do as much of everything as I can to lessen the burden on everyone else. 

I don’t want him to feel like I’m prioritizing everything but him :/ that’s a shitty way to feel as a spouse :/

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First week

Monday started my first week of the nursing program 🙂 I had planned and budgeted my time and I knew it was going to be time intensive, but I couldn’t really know how time intensive. My day starts at 5:30 am and last night I didn’t call it until 8 pm. Yesterday was my first clinical skills lab, I have to admit it was kind of exciting:D

The definition of insanity 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. 

I didn’t lose any weight this year. I didn’t gain any either so that’s a win. 

But I obsessed about it and weighed myself daily and hated myself for my weight and appearance. And to be perfectly honest, it’s exhausting. 

So, I’m breaking up with my scale and I’m breaking up with my calorie counting apps for the year. I am going to take care of me and eat properly and exercise properly and trust that my weight will get and stay healthy. 

Getting older- numbers, labels, and questions

On January 7th I will turn 35. That sounds so adult 🙂 

One phrase standing out in my head at the moment is “advanced maternal age”. Hubby and I have three kids (15,14, and about to be 7), we have always talked about having five. I still want at least one more. I loved being pregnant, nursing, and cosleeping. I love having kids in the house (even when they drive me nuts). But timing is an issue. I am signed up for two more years of heavy duty crazy schedule nursing school. If everything goes well we will be trying for another in summer of 2019 🙂 and having another in spring of 2020. I will be 37, that’s not too old, right ?

Cleaning up / cleaning out / and re-engaging 

One week. I have one more week off of school before the crazy starts again 🙂 I have spent the last couple of weeks in a funk. All of the kids are home and we have a houseguest and I literally have no personal space. I literally have a closet / turned comfy cave that I share with my hubby, that’s all :/ and the guest is staying in my sons space so I can’t even kick the kids out of the living room and veg out with a book or tv :/ Anyway, enough of the pity party. The guest goes home tomorrow and I start prepping for the semester. I have books to buy and patches to sew onto scrubs and a desk / study space to organize (once said houseguest leaves). Today I will workout and today I will start housecleaning and organization. 

Things I have learned from this holiday

1) I need personal space

2) I will not be having long term houseguests until we have more space

3) Even when I don’t feel like it, exercise is the best stress release

Happy new year 🎆

It is the first day of a brand new year 🙂 I am not making New Years resolutions this year, but I do have plans and goals 🙂

Last year was full of ups and downs. We moved , my therapist moved and I had to find a new one , the kids started new schools, I got accepted into the RN program , and I completed my AA. *whew*

I am going into this year with some residual uncertainties. Hubby’s work contract ended , so while we are fine financially, unemployment still comes with uncertainty and anxiety. School starts back on January 8th and it will be my busiest semester yet. I am anxious and excited at the same time. We might move again. We want to keep the kids in the better schools, but we need more space. I am going to have to delegate at home. I won’t be able to be there for every pick up and drop off. I am going to have to break up with my phone , at least during class time and clinicals.  

I think that the biggest feeling I have right now when thinking about the new year is calm.  It will be ok. I hope to fill it with good experiences, lots of learning, and lots of good memories 🙂

What I’m grateful for

It’s a new year (almost) and that has me reflecting on all of the basic questions “who I am, who I’m not, and who I want to be”. So I thought I’d start this soul searching with a gratitude list 🙂

I’m grateful for my hubby. He is a kind, intelligent person who works very hard to take care of his family, he shows me everyday that I am loved, he is my partner in life, and I am grateful for him every day. 

I’m grateful for my kids. They are intelligent, interesting people and it is one of my greatest joys to be part of their lives. 

I’m grateful for my best girlfriend. We don’t always talk frequently, but she is always there for me and I know she will always be part of my life. 

I am grateful for my body. I haven’t always treated it well, but it has always been there for me and it’s capable of pretty awesome stuff (it made those kids I mentioned a few sentences ago 😊) 

I am grateful for my mind 🙂 bipolar, ocd, depressive … etc.  It is still intelligent and capable 🙂

I am grateful for all of the therapists I’ve had. They have helped me grow and mature into who I am and I’m starting to like who I am 🙂